Chapter 4: Stanley
The journey to finding one's self
Hi, my name is Stanley. I identify as queer – I’m bisexual and demisexual, which means that I don’t experience attraction to someone (of any gender) until I’ve developed a close emotional bond with them.
I am from North London (England) and grew up as an only child in my family home, along with both my parents. I attended an all-boys private school, where I was fortunate enough to receive a fantastic education which unfortunately came along with bullying and homophobia. It felt like many of the boys in my school were petrified of being accused of being ‘gay’ and played this up to extremes. I remember feeling quite confused during those days - oscillating between having crushes on girls, and guys, and not really understanding what that meant, who I was or how I fit in.
Stanley, age 8 – wearing a favorite football jersey on holiday in Malta
Growing up I thought my only options were to either be straight or gay – there was nothing in between. I don’t blame my mum and dad for this, they only know what they have been exposed to and are actually pretty progressive for their generation. Helping others (my family included) understand the fluid and ever-changing nature of identities continues to be a journey for me.
Things changed significantly when I went to university in London-proper, where I found many positive queer role models. The big city university environment (without a tight campus community) was more open-minded and diverse, which helped me feel freer to be myself and discover my identity. As I came out more openly as queer in university, more and more of my classmates from that all-boys private school also came out. In fact, some of the most homophobic kids in my class turned out to be gay or queer – fighting to prove they were straight was probably a defense mechanism, yet inside they must have been facing similar challenges to me. Human nature is funny that way.
During university I went on an exchange to Paris. Oddly enough, I found Paris to be more homophobic / biphobic than London. Alongside the tumult of the ‘Yellow Vests’ protests while I lived in Paris, there were also a series of hate crimes against the LGBTQ2SIA+ community, which felt indiscriminate and made me question my safety. This fear was compounded by an experience when I joined a progressive Think Tank at the university. Through the work we were doing, I became Facebook friends with a classmates in the Think Tank and soon uncovered that they had posted anti-gay sentiments that went as far as to say that gay people should be killed. My safe-space was clearly not as safe as I thought it was. Around this time, I also began exploring therapy, finding myself a therapist who I thought was progressive, open and well suited to guiding me. As the sessions unfolded, the therapist gradually shared some opinions that were clearly biphobic and biased (e.g., that bisexual people are more likely to cheat in relationships). This was particularly hurtful given how much I trusted my therapist and how vulnerable I felt at the time. I tried Paris and Paris was not for me, so I moved on.
Stanley, first time wearing a bi-pride t-shirt – 2019, shortly after returning to London from Paris
I flew to Vancouver on August 5th, 2021. I know the exact date because I kept my ticket as a souvenir! It is in Vancouver that I feel that I’ve really found myself. I came here originally to do my Masters Degree at UBC, where I quickly found a supportive community of students and entrepreneurs. Friendships blossomed through the university network, as well as through seemingly random relationships that I formed when preparing to move to Vancouver, including one of my now closest friends Chloë. Chloë and I met on a UBC Facebook group, where I was looking for housing options. We went to different campuses of the same university in France and both moved to Vancouver, with Chloë arriving ahead of me. While we didn’t end up as roommates, she went out of her way to meet up with me shortly after I arrived and has since introduced me to a very diverse group of friends that expanded my social circle significantly.
Now my network has been further expanded by joining Deloitte, where I have met a new group of amazing people who have become close friends – particularly my ‘starting class’ of other new grads, who I meet up with on Fridays for hot chocolate throughout the winter. In Vancouver I’m part of several community groups, including Pride and a Queer-friendly tennis club. I really enjoy exploring the various neighborhoods in Vancouver, which feel much more approachable than London. After all, where do you start in a city of almost 9 million people? Now as a Vancouverite, I love the culture centered around nature and the outdoors, and really feel that this is the place I am most comfortable being myself. Vancouver is my chosen home and I love it here.
Stanley’s plane ticket souvenir from the big move to Vancouver
Looking back, living abroad was a mechanism that allowed me to explore my identity more freely, as I was able to test out different cultures and environments, and reinvent myself with each move. My international adventures have gradually helped me explore my identity and get to where I am today – I’m now confident, open to be myself and feeling supported by a strong Queer community and allies, both inside and outside of work. I’ve found my home, which is allowing me to find myself.
Stanley, happy in Vancouver, 2022 (Photo: MJ Araujo)
__________________________
Written by: Alison Weyland, Edited by: Stanley Turner Fowler